It has been too long since my last confession … I mean “post”
I admit that I’ve stayed away from the blog for several reasons. First and foremost, I was worried that I had nothing of interest to say. And secondly, life happened. This is not one of my previous lighthearted posts. I will get back to those, (I hope). I’m writing because I need too.
An awful lot has transpired since 2011. Interesting choice of the word “awful” to describe events in my life over the last 4 years. If used as an adjective it could denote something nasty or unpleasant. In this case it’s an adverb but has an underpinning of the adjective.
But, while it has been very challenging, there has been good too. I just have to search harder to find the “good” stuff. Every cloud has its silver lining they say. Mine is that I’ve learned new things, discovered truths about myself that make me stronger, if not a little harder. Funny how as we age, we discover that our patience is not as long as it once was. And that we find ourselves less likely to give others the “benefit of doubt” opting instead to .. and here I come to a loss for words. I guess that I am more inclined to feel affronted first, only soothing my ruffled feathers when others assure me that I have taken things the wrong way. I am unsure when all this came about, but it has inexorably wormed itself into my psyche. Perhaps I am still reeling over the death of my mother 2013. I think that’s when I retreated into this brittle shell, and now I have to figure a way out. Writing helps! I should have come back to this blog ages ago. She and my Mother-in-Law were laid to rest on the same day. So my hubby and I couldn’t even be together as we were in different provinces doing the same thing. Yeah, his mom passed away Dec 2012 on my mom’s birthday. And then my mother passes away in June. It’s been super tough on Dad.
I’ve continued with my photography and knitting. They are really the glue that holds me together and the place I go to “decompress”. I am realizing that I need more. More challenges, more opening.. so I’m spreading the wings and launching off the edge. Hoping for a soft and safe landing after an exhilarating flight when I’m more myself. I’m tired now, will come back to this when I’ve slept on it.
So, I wrote the above entry in February of 2015 – and I didn’t “post” it. Thinking, that I would add more and then post it. Sigh. I’m sitting here and shaking my head at myself.
Life added more for me.. much more.
I may as well put it all in one post and then move on.
I mentioned above how my mom passing was really hard on Dad. He never stopped missing her and I had no idea the strain he was under trying to put on that brave front and carrying on. His health began to deteriorate but he figured it was a cold. Turns out it was a lot more than that. Dad passed away in May 2015.
I really, really miss them both.
My girlfriend showed up on my doorstep and gave me one of her signature bear hugs. The kind that you feel right to your toes because she puts so much of herself into it. She really helped. I still think back to the day of the Funeral. My brother and sister were with me in the receiving line and my girlfriend showed up with her husband to pay their respects. With every person she hugged along the way, she left a trail of tears. We had to laugh. She was a one woman army and she made even the most stoic of us reach for a wad of tissue. Ah – how I miss her.
Yup. You read right. I miss her. That was May 17th at the funeral. On May 29th I got a call. She and her husband had been killed in a motorcycle accident. My beautiful friend. Gone.
So, here it is now, almost a full year later. I’m resolved to resurrect this blog. First because I think that writing helps me to heal. I have always enjoyed the process of creating pictures. Not just with a camera or a computer, but also with words. Some days the picture is clear, and others, it’s more of a Picasso. But the documenting and process of creating is cathartic. So, I take the plunge and say, I’m back. Although I may change this to a “Dear Diary”. Imagine the silly tidbits with that! More tomorrow about the new direction of my life now that I’ve resurfaced from mourning and grief. The tears will always be close, but the need to enter the land of the living is strong.